Timeless yet completely contemporary

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I can't get too too serious in July. In the States it's hotter than Sharapova at the end of a 3 setter in Miami. In England it was summer. It started this morning and lasted until about 5 o'clock. I gather it might resume for several days tomorrow. so in seasonal Rolling Stones 'who are those funny men granddad?' T-shirt and 'Don't tell me the score' baseball cap, I'm sitting here torn as to whether to finally give Will.I.Am the slagging he merits for being absolutely the biggest twat in showbiz for a decade, or whether to discuss why female sopranos sound bloody horrible, or whether to describe in detail the programme notes for the very worthy choral recital I went to this evening with Ned.

The title of this essay 'Timeless yet completely contemporary' featured not once - but twice - in the self-penned programme notes for the piece by James Macmillan.  [James is a notable Scottish 'serious music' composer and self-aggrandiser who could rival Will for pure vanity]. I won't go into the details of the piece except to say that, with few exceptions, very dissonant music generally works better slow and quiet than loud and dramatic. Whatever purpose music might intend, I never think that making you run for the door with your hands over your ears is a particularly laudible aim.

Anyway, I'm obsessing on this phrase. What are we to make ofit?

Here is a list of possible readings:

  1. I'm the biggist f…ing self-important prick ever to put pen to music paper and I think this stuff's better than Bach or Beethoven or Bartok or the Beatles or Bebop or Biffy Clyro.
  2. I can't write intelligent English but I can sure write toons.
  3. I've never heard of 'contradiction in terms' … are they an early English madrigal choir?

Whichever way one reads it, I love it, I'm gonna use it to describe every record I've ever produced, every film I go and see for the next 6 months, every jacket a mate turns up to the pub in, every micro-brewed cask ale I try in Camden, every new Damien Hirst thingy and every woman's perfume, wherever we happen to be juxtaposed. You can't go wrong: 'Darling, your perfume! Timeless yet completely contemporary! Mwah mwah'

And if one get's tired of 'timeless yet completely contemporary' there's always

Ephemeral yet completely eternal
Global yet completely  parochial
Universal yet completely bespoke
Dazzling yet completely dull
Prudish yet completely randy
Lovable yet completely loathsome

… as for the soprano?  Well, I guess I just don't like the human voice raised in song in that particular way. I wonder why they spend three years being taught 'now darling, just try and sound like you want to frighten the children but there's a blizzard going on and you're 200 feet away up a mountain and they can't see you'

Ho hum. time to cool off under my new ceiling fan with an ice-cool Twinings Green Jasmine tea … 'aahh, that's better – timeless yet completely contemporary!'