The Great Drought

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The sun shone it’s stern judgement down on the increasingly parched earth of UK Creek. Rain had not fallen for over a week. Boris the snake, self-styled spokesman for the Brexiterites, had slithered away under a rock and Nige the hyena, self-styled unelected leader of the Ukippos, had slunk back to his publair, glancing over his shoulder to make sure he was not being followed by Dave the fool with his Oxford 12 bore and his Eton net.

The Torymonkeys were chattering beside the small, shrivelled creek. Their blue arses were facing every which way and there was argument, recrimination and much scratching of armpits. They had fallen for the snake’s charms. He had told them he would lead them to clear fresh water, enough for everyone to drink. Water they wouldn’t have to share with the Euromonkeys and well away from the hidden menace of the Turkmonster.

But the snake had lied to them. King Mervyn had warned them. King Mervyn’s son Prince Mark had warned them. All the heads of all the FTSE tribe – 250 in number – all the heads of the SmE tribe had warned them. The leader of the great continent to the west had warned them. The leaders of the great lands to the east had warned them. But Boris the snake had charmed them all.

On the other side of the small, fast-drying creek were the Red monkeys. They too were in disarray. Their leader jay-C, was huddled with a few stragglers, speaking so quietly no-one could hear him. No-one knew what he was saying. Even the straggler Red monkeys straind and craned their necks and cupped their ears to listen. Most of the older Red monkeys had vanished. Some of the Torymonkeys said they had been seen, off behind a bush on the other side of the forest, talking to a lone greenback and a handful of liberal lemurs. A faint cry of ‘what went wrong? What went wrong’# some said was carried on the wind. But it died in the air and fell on the stony ground just to the left of the middle of the creek, that part which was now the most parched and dried up and where no-one now sought sustinence.

Then from the trees there came a familiar sound. The beating of the chest, the rustle of the lianas and the unmistakable holler.

Tarzan descended into the midst of the now screeching Torymonkeys and bellowed “where is Boris the snake? Bring him to me!”

Tarzon was by now quite old and many said he had lost much of his power. But in the world of the Torymonkeys, Tarzan was still king of all the big beasts.

“The snake told you there would be water for everyone. The snake told you you wouldn’t have to share water with the Euromonkeys any more. The snake told you that you need never fear the Turkmonster or the job-eating migrants or the faceless scapegoats, the cloven hoofed dwellers in the caves and grottos of Rrusslelland, who eat your children, straighten your bananas, rob your lands of wheat and your rivers of fish. But he was lying. He and his sidekick Nige the hyena were lying. Look at you now! You have UK creek all to yourself. But see! UK creek is drying and shrivelling before your eyes. The Poleeches are leaving, sure, but see – the employeroons are leaving with them and making new homes across the see. Homes for the poleeches to live in and work in, far far away from the dried river bed of UK creek. Bring the snake to me!” he bellowed. But Boris was nowhere to be found.

Meanwhile, across the great river channel, in the vast lake Europa, the Euromonkeys spread out around the lake and gazed at the clear, clean water. They gazed at their reflections and at eachothers’ reflections and they knew they were friends. They looked across at the faceless scapegoats. They were waiting for their turn to drink. They didn’t look that scary now. Now that Nige the hyena was not there to taunt them and scare them and paint devil horns across their brows.

Another J-Cee was talking with the assembled Euromonkeys. Though his voice was calm, it rang out across the still calm waters of lake Europa and it filled their hearts with joy. “the snake has gone. The hyena has gone. They have slunk away. far far away. they have led theTorymonkeys away with them. They have led the Red monkeys away with them. They have led the Ukippos away with them. Look how much room there is now for us to drink. Room for everyone. There are a few remaindeers from UK creek lurking … look, just over there! They are trying to look friendly. I think they believe that we will be nice to them and say it’s ok you can still drink from Lake Europa with us. Don’t worry, I’ve told them to be gone. They won’t be back”