To Anyone Who Will Listen To My Music

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This was written by Robin, shortly after his 21st birthday, 'To Anyone Who Will Listen To My Music'

“I suspect that my self-expression in musical terms is somewhat intangible, introspective and even, in places esoteric. Perhaps then, before listening to what I have to say, it might help to know some of the reasons behind what has happened.

My music is the expression of my life, my fears, my sweetest dreams and my most traumatic nightmares – my passions.

At the age of 7, I realised that all was not right with me – tactful discouragement from bike-riding, cricket balls in the face and the merciless vindictiveness of children soon pointed out that my eyes were in some way unusual.

At 13, I learned that I had a pathological progressive disorder which was blinding me gradually. Adolescence was punctuated by hospital tests, injections, hopes raised and then dashed to the ground, until at twenty, when I was registered as technically blind, I refused any more such hyperbole. At the time, I had my Cambridge degree to finish – a difficult course which my arrogance has led me to take on without any special aids. There was too much to do, at a reading rate of 1 page per hour to worry about my future. Having obtained an honours degree, I set out to do that which I knew I had to.

MUSIC IS THE WAY I CHANNEL MY INNER FEELINGS OUTWARD. SO IT IS INTROSPECTIVE AND YET SCARINGLY EXTROVERT. I AM SCREAMING AT THE WHOLE WORLD, AS WELL AS AT MY OWN DARK SHADOWS. THE CHOICE IS SIMPLE, I EITHER BARE MY SOUL, OR I LET IT DESTROY ME. NO-ONE WHO FEELS ANYTHING CAN UTTERLY ESCAPE WHAT I AM PUTTING ACROSS.

I WAS GIVEN TOTAL LOVE, ADMIRATION AND DEVOTION AS I GREW UP. I HAD TO HAVE IT; I STILL DEMAND IT; I CAN NEVER TOTALLY RETURN IT – FOR MY HARD INNER SHELL IS THE ONLY THING WHICH LIES BETWEEN ME AND SURRENDER TO A HORRIBLE FUTURE.

WHAT I DO GIVE IS A GREAT DEAL. MY POWER TO ATTRACT AND MY DEMANDS LEAD TO THE KIND OF LOVE-AFFAIR DISASTERS WHICH SEEM, PERHAPS, UNLIKELY IN MY writing, BUT WHICH ARE IN FACT, INEVITABLE.

I HAVE A LOT TO DO, SAY, AND SING, AND I FEEL A SENSE OF GREAT URGENCY IN ACHIEVING IT. I’M SIMPLY SAYING THAT I THINK I’M MARVELLOUS - BUT I HAVE TO – AND IF YOU WERE me, SO WOULD YOU.”

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME.

“IF I SEEM DESTROYED LIKE A FALLEN CHINA BIRD
WILL YOU CHERISH WHAT YOU FIND IN THE DIRT?
AND IF I FEEL AFRAID IN THE BLINDNESS OF MY NIGHT
WILL YOU TEACH ME HOW TO LOVE AND NOT TO FIGHT?”

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