I had a dream last night such as I have never had before.
I was seated in a fireside chair wearing pale trousers a dark jacket and dark shirt. I was seated facing a mirror about 6 feet away.
I saw my self crystal clear and was able to scrutinise my appearance in great detail. The dream stayed focused and stable throughout - in itself bizarre - and I made a careful study of my hair and hairstyle, face, eyebrows, hands, neck, body posture, clothes etc and even devoted some minutes to trying on various pairs of glasses which appeared to improve the sharpness of image. I plumped for a pair with thin uniform dark frames roughly the shape of a TV screen, quite large on the face, and I thought they suited me quite well.
Interestingly and for the first time I did not 'see myself' as young, as in my visual memory, but as I am. The result was not so surprising or horrible as I would have imagined, and I vowed to nuance my hairstyle and clothing.
Interestingly though sharp the dream was not in black and white not in colour either. It was a never seen before kind of iradescent sepia but more blue black and silvery with hints of an ochre colour never seen on earth before.
This particularly fascinates me because i could easily see that this might exactly be what would\will result from high definition but artificial vision. The brain will be receiving entirely original versions of images, and so will interpret them in a way which reflects the memory of vision - itself obviously imperfect in the passage of time - with a 'new way of seeing'.
This dream has had a very profound effect on me. I repeat it is the FIRST time I have experienced 'clear vision', the first time I have 'seen myself as I really am'.
How has it left me? I don't think I will know all the answers to that just
Yet. So far I am exhilarated by what I see as a profound revelation of myself and I think I shall carry forward a much more relaxed feeling about what I am. Secondly I can now visualise what 'seeing artificially' will be like, and it's definitely well worth having and the brain will be able to cope emotionally as well as practically.
On the other hand it has left me a bit wrung out, and probably rather vulnerable because the reality is different. I cannot see and the dream has renewed the loss and pure bloody monotony of what I have because I can now refresh the comparison with fresh data. Yes i am a poor bloody little sod after all. I don't know how the fuck I do anything without the ease and facility of vision. It’s much groovier than I remember.
Realising how much information vision gives us and how important to me you are I realise that you know much more about me than i about you. Every day we are together you gather body language, eye movement and all the written and visual information you are empowered to gather about every aspect of my very private [not so private] life.
I realise that you can guard for yourself anything or everything you may with, and where I perceive you use this it makes me jealous and covetous and concerned as to what you are choosing to hide.
I am personally very happy that you have such an intimate knowledge of my life and times, and I know I would strive to keep this open channel even if my sight were restored. I am thinking about how much I don't know about you
And your life and your look and your body language and your secrets. I should like to very much.
Please help me and help us by helping to open these channels from you to me, and especially not to leave unanswered questions and especially the ones you know in your heart that I should know and need to know in order to understand, be a good and true friend, and judge US on even terms. The stuff you know about me and the stuff you think if you were me you ought to know about you is the stuff that matters.
I know that your history does not lend itself to candour but I also know that you are one of the world's true gems and that much about you is an inspiration to me and to others. You also can trust that what you tell me is safe with me and that it can only help to deepen and strengthen our togetherness. I have long term ambitions for you and me darling.
The cat has killed something and brought it in. God knows what, but I keep treading on bits of it. Yuk. She has lost her bell which accounts for her new found success as hunter\gatherer.
I hope to see you soon.